feeling rotten...

today was rough. i argued with my husband...which i hate doing..and ive been on a pepsi binge. guh. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. i wish i knew how i could want something so bad, and just NOT do it. i mean, i KNOW when i'm drinking the soda that i shouldnt be doing it...but for some reason i cant NOT have it. it's not even the food thats really my problem...its the damn soda. i just cant let it go. and days like today dont help. i need fat girrl rehab...i need to get away from real life for like 90 days and detox from all the bullsh*t that life throws at me...does that even exist? i mean, they have rehab for anorexic chicks...what about us fat girls? i've never heard of it. and i doubt that i'd be a very good roommate for an anorexic chick...we'd probably get kicked out for trading dinners...my carrot stix for her triple cheeseburgers...it'd be funny if it werent so damn sad.
and i fell trapped in this mindset today...i feel hopeless today. i've been watching the morbidly obese people on the discovery channel all day and praying that i never let myself get that big, and feeling scared as shit because i know that could easily be me one day...too easily. people watch these shows and ask questions like "how could you possibly let yourself get like that?" but i know how it happens...how easily it could happen. and it frightens me.
i hope tomorrow is a better day...it should be, considering "that time of the month" will be over...thank god. my brain should be back in the real world again. so i'll wait and see how i feel tomorrow. and i'll try and ditch the soda if i can...even though yoda would say "try? there is no try...only do...or do not."

71-365 good bad ugly

71-365 good bad ugly
Originally uploaded by JamieBates

Watch out y'all...i'm dustin' off the wii-mote...yeah. you heard me...my ass is being removed from the couch...an ass-ectomy of sorts. also i have rediscovered my LOVE of hot coffee.

lapband tip of the day:
mix 1 scoop of unflavored or vanilla protein powder with liquid coffee creamer...add coffee...voila. protien coffee...24grams of protein and no hunger for up to 4 hours in the morning...that's right, just when you thought coffee couldnt rock your world any harder...BAM.

Having a Cold=Eating Crap

It never fails...i try to start eating healthier, and i end up sick...which causes me to eat a bunch of crap because i'm tired and miserable and lazy and blahhhhh. I was sick a week or so ago, and thought i had kicked it...but yesterday morning i felt like crap all over again. I started to feel slightly better this afternoon, and i actually made dinner, although i doubt broccoli cheddar rice has much nutritional value...but broiled pork chops arent too bad right??? right??? oh well, i only had one regular soda today at work...could've been worse i guess.
I bit the bullet tonight and stepped on the scale...exactly where i thought..220.
Now, when i had my lapband put in in 07 i was 235...i got down to 192...and was feelin good...then we moved to florida...away from my doctor...and with the new insurance down here, none of my aftrercare was covered...guh. so i was able to maintain...i found another surgeon, even though i had to self pay...but unfortunately, i'm just too far out to make much difference at this point. and i was ok until i decided i was going to try and quit smoking...HUGH F'ING MISTAKE. In one month i went from 192 to 220. yes. i said ONE MONTH. that was april of 09. and here i am now...with a band that works only a little, and pretty much right back to where i started...
i now know i'm an addict. i know to some this may sound dramatic, funny, or even just plain stupid. well...reality check...it's not. i quit smoking cold turkey (having smoked at least a pack a day from the age of 18 to 30) no problem.i onnly started again because i was so damn sscared to gain any more weight. now ask me if i can go a day without regular soda...not so much. if thats not an addiction, i dont know what is...it's pretty sad when in my past i had actually considered doing cocaine to lose weight (and for the record, i NEVER did...but still, i thought about it...i was THAT desperate).
So here i am...and i just wanna get better so i can exercise...i figure ill start with the wii fit, move on to the power 90, and end off the year with p90x...thats the plan anyways...but for today...my ass is plunked down on the couch in front of the laptop, watching paranormal state and extreme makeover home edition while wrapped in a blanket cuddling with the tissue box....
i hope tomorrow is better.

~J

Another New Beginning

Well, it's 2010...and i'm hoping it will be a productive year. The last few years have been pretty crappy...and i'm beginning to think that i'm cursed. I had my lapband surgery in march of 07...and i've had nothing but horrible luck ever since. Between moving to Fl and not having the proper aftercare, to losing dad in 08, dealing with the resulting anxiety and depression, and then trying to quit smoking on top of it all, i have successfully gained back all the weight i managed to lose with the band. I DO have a new surgeon here now, finally, but a little too late it would seem, as now i dont seem to have much in the way of restriction even though my band is almost completely filled. Soooo...it's back to square one. which is scary as hell for me...not to mention a HUGE kick in the ass.
I just feel like a total failure.
I am an addict. I am addicted to soda and junk food. And by junk food i mean all food that is of no nutritional value whatsoever.
So i decided to start this blog to try and keep myself focused...to vent...to document...just a place for me, and possibly for people like me (if anyone ever decides to come here and read any of this). But i needed a place where i could be honest...a place where i could be real, and write about all the ugly stuff that goes along with being grossly overweight, being an addict, and trying to scratch my way out of this seemingly bottomless hole i've dug for myself.
So here goes...

~J