today was rough. i argued with my husband...which i hate doing..and ive been on a pepsi binge. guh. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. i wish i knew how i could want something so bad, and just NOT do it. i mean, i KNOW when i'm drinking the soda that i shouldnt be doing it...but for some reason i cant NOT have it. it's not even the food thats really my problem...its the damn soda. i just cant let it go. and days like today dont help. i need fat girrl rehab...i need to get away from real life for like 90 days and detox from all the bullsh*t that life throws at me...does that even exist? i mean, they have rehab for anorexic chicks...what about us fat girls? i've never heard of it. and i doubt that i'd be a very good roommate for an anorexic chick...we'd probably get kicked out for trading dinners...my carrot stix for her triple cheeseburgers...it'd be funny if it werent so damn sad.
and i fell trapped in this mindset today...i feel hopeless today. i've been watching the morbidly obese people on the discovery channel all day and praying that i never let myself get that big, and feeling scared as shit because i know that could easily be me one day...too easily. people watch these shows and ask questions like "how could you possibly let yourself get like that?" but i know how it happens...how easily it could happen. and it frightens me.
i hope tomorrow is a better day...it should be, considering "that time of the month" will be over...thank god. my brain should be back in the real world again. so i'll wait and see how i feel tomorrow. and i'll try and ditch the soda if i can...even though yoda would say "try? there is no try...only do...or do not."
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I know its been a while since this has been posted, but I hope things have gotten better for you. Just take everything one day at a time and don't beat yourself up so hard. It's okay to be nice to yourself in this hard process.
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